Ups, Downs, and Things... The Art of Storytelling

Promoting memory development and bonding

“A spider lives inside my head
Who weaves a strange and wondrous web
Of silken threads and silver strings
To catch all sorts of flying things,
Like crumbs of thoughts and bits of smiles
And specks of dried-up tears,
And dust of dreams that catch and cling
For years and years and years...”
― Shel Silverstein, Every Thing on It

Seemingly unimportant events pass by adults each day, yet in the minds of children, the same mundane sequences are forming new connections, patterns, and expectations at an incredible rate. Taking some time near the end of each day to discuss an up- a good moment; a down- a low moment; and some things- which can be any other moments that stood out within each day, can provide connection on both ends of the relationship, alleviate anxiety, foster memory development, and more. After a few days of practice, listening to a child recall the ups, downs, and things of their day may become one of your favorite parts of the evening routine- so let’s break it down.

Ups: Happy Times

Recalling happy memories from our days and lives has been shown to strengthen episodic memory, alleviate anxiety, and stimulate higher life satisfaction. A recent study done with adults actually suggested that reflecting on happy memories as a habit can lower cortisol levels in the long term. Our minds are often preoccupied with what has gone wrong recently, or what we need to worry about in the near future, so taking some time to intentionally reflect on the things that have made us happy in life could be used to interrupt these often unfavorable thought patterns, lower anxiety, and increase our life satisfaction.

While it has these benefits when done alone, this practice can also be used to strengthen bonds within relationships. Reflecting with your child, partner, or friends about happy or triumphant times spent together will tell your brain to fire more connections between neurons of those memories, creating stronger connections and potentially new laughs while doing so!

Down: Hard part(s) of the day

Discussing a difficult part of our day is a good way to normalize hard emotions, connect with others about the experience, and reflect on emotional regulation strategies for the future. We have all felt the weight of a day when things just did not seem to go right. To a child who is just learning about the societal norms and taboos of the world, it is important to remind them that hard does not equal bad, and that sometimes talking about challenging things is a superpower in itself.

In a previous article titled Highly Sensitive Children, I suggest that bedtime is a prime moment to discuss situations where a child experienced something challenging. It is an opportunity to communicate what emotions were felt (many children do not know how to name many of their emotions yet,) as well as reflect on self-regulation strategies for encountering that emotion again in the future. This could be drawing attention to how they felt just before the event happened, how they felt during it, or how they handled it afterward. The goal of doing this would not be to make them feel sad or bad about what happened, nor to make them think that some emotions are bad, but to reassure them that hard things happen to everyone, and remind them that there are tools we can use to make hard situations more manageable.

At the very least, sharing about difficult experiences often brings greater understanding to the situation and may lift the weight of frustration, confusion, or disappointment off of our shoulders.

Things: Mundane events

Prompting and listening to children talk about specific events from their day, special or not, is a wonderous way to connect and exercise storytelling abilities- a timeless practice that is arguably being lost in the world of 30-second tik toks. Autobiographical memory is the ability to retell events in the order in which they happened, and the part of the brain related to it rapidly develops during early-to-mid childhood.

Some children have no problem talking, talking, and talking some more, but others may benefit from guided questions such as, “What did you do in the morning? And after that? Who did you play with at school? Did you play normal things or different things? How did you do that? What did you like or not like about that? Listening to these short tales will show children that you care about the simple things they experience, allow them to practice recalling information in the order in which it happened, and will give you insight into moments that stand out most to them over the course of a day.

It may be that you and the child got to spend the majority of the day together. If this is the case, you could suggest that you review the day together, co-telling the story- taking turns to fill in gaps about what you did throughout various scenarios. (Of course, taking time to laugh again at the funny things that happened!) Soon after starting this practice, prompting will not likely be necessary, because storytelling is ingrained in the genes of all of us, and is especially enjoyable when someone who cares is listening.

I hope this article has shed some light on the benefits of reflecting on the “ups, downs, and things” with children and other loved ones before closing out a day. As always, thank you for being here.