Power of Direct Language

Learning to be real in Buenos Aires and with 6 year olds

“Am I bothering you? Tell me the truth… I know you’re from the United States, so maybe you just wanna be polite…” -human speaking to me over reggae music.

Growing up in the land of 10,000 lakes, I learned the ins and outs of passive-aggressive and indirect communication. Not only do we avoid direct comments by adding “I just think that maybe…” to the beginning or end of a passion statement, but we even argue with acquaintances at our neighbor’s barbeque about how much they deserve that last cookie that we are actually dying to eat.

“No you take it, it’s all yours! Oh I couldn’t… are you sure? Finee, if you insist.” What kind of game is this?! How about we rate on a scale of 1-10 how bad each of us wants the cookie- more honest, more to the point, and we find out who actually wants the cookie!

Before living in Buenos Aires, a world capital of studying psychology, I could not have imagined what direct language would look like ingrained into a society.

People speak bluntly and honestly, and the receiving end often accepts and appreciates the genuineness, or returns the favor with a just as blunt and direct response.

My friend Ana once told me,

“Que digamos lo que sentimos en voz alta.”

Translation: “We must say what we feel out loud.”

And I guess many people in Buenos Aires really live by that.

It seems like it would be easy, but a direct comment often felt to me like a shock to my system… and speaking directly even more so. A common fear when practicing speaking is the other person’s response. Will they be able to take it? Will their response make me wish I had not said anything at all? Am I even comfortable with my truth?

Despite these doubts, practicing direct language with ourselves and with children has many benefits. “Direct language allows the listener to understand a message quickly and accurately, reducing chances of misinterpretation or confusion.” So even if it is something hard to hear, at least we get to an honest point.

Other than helping to avoid misunderstandings, being direct can give us an alternative way to express ourselves- curbing disrespectful comments and behaviors, allowing us to feel heard, and allowing others to understand us better.

The space below holds a story about a 6-year-old who successfully communicated with me instead of exploding emotionally, one spring afternoon.

I was building a living room fort alongside this first-grader while raindrops fell outside the windows. I was the head of construction, and he was the general engineer overseeing the progress on-site; snack in hand. In an attempt to get the lil’ guy to help me with some of the grunt work, I expressed more than once,

Could you help me with xyz…? Teamwork makes the dream work!

On perhaps the third time that I uttered the words, he rolled his head straight back into his head and announced,

Ugh!! It makes me feel so… so... annoyed and angry when you say that!!!

When I say what??

Teamwork makes the dream work! … I swear if I hear that one more time I’m gonna…

…Woah.

The kid noticed a fire burning inside of him, paused to process how he could communicate it, and stopped himself from acting out extremely or disrespectfully (ie. destroying the fort, or calling me mean names.) Sure, he could have let me know in a more gentle tone, but for a 6-year-old I think it was super impressive. I thanked him for letting me know, and that i would not say those words anymore today.

A wise mother once said… It's okay to be mad, but it’s not ok to hurt people.

So how did he learn to practice that?

There are a few simple sentence structures that can support caregivers and children in developing ways of communicating hard feelings honestly and consciously to avoid larger outbursts. In a calm moment (potentially following a confusing emotional moment,) practice introducing these types of sentences to communicate and honor feelings:

• It makes me ______ when _______.

  It makes me feel… mad when you say that.

  It makes me want to… punch you when you make that noise!

  It makes me… _______ when ______ does that.

We can ask:

• Does ______ make you feel ______?

  Does hearing that news make you feel excited? Confused? Disappointed?

• Yes/ no, it made me feel ______.

  ….. bored/ weird/ upset….

Simple reassurance for ourselves and them:

• That’s ok. It’s ok to feel ___(emotion)___.

This setup is useful for identifying emotions and what triggers them.

Then, we take action:

I want to ___________, so I’m going to ____________.

• I want to… play with them, but they won’t let me. So I am going to… find something else I like to do.

• I want to… fight you, So I’m going to… a different space until I can be with you again [energy bubble].

• I feel… angry/ confused/ frustrated, So I am going to… be like a lion, roar, and then take a break.

  (in this break they can check what’s happening inside of them, where else they can take out energy, punch fists downwards at their sides, jump, cry, hug, etc.)

These structures are useful for discovering what actions are helpful for an individual when emotions arise. It draws our attention to an action before we take it.

There is not always a quick answer to a big emotion, it is beneficial to allow time to breathe, think, and explore healthy solutions together.

Sensitivity can seem silly when it means that hearing words like teamwork and dreamwork just piss you off some days… but we are all entitled to be bothered, and in safe environments, taking moments to re-think how we could communicate something, or how we could help a child communicate something more clearly can make a confusing situation little by little, clearer for everyone.

Sources on Direct Communication:

Themompsychologist on Instagram

Communicating With Babies and Young Children

Direct language: How to Correct Your Communication With Your Child

Clear and Concise: Exploring the Definition of Direct Language