Transitions: From one Place to the Next
Why they are just as hard for us as they are for toddlers, and how we can work through them together
When it comes time to move, whether it be from the comfy chair we are sitting in, or a home we have lived in for many years, there is often a similar feeling: ugh, I just got comfortable.
Why does it take us humans so long to get comfortable? And what draws some of us to continue searching for change despite these challenges?
I grew up in a stable place, yet I love to move. I have met others who have grown up moving a lot, and they crave more stability. Others have moved a lot and continue doing so. Sometimes I believe that what draws me to travel is genuine curiosity, other times, it is creating challenges for myself, and seeing how far I can go, how different life can be.
This instinct to test boundaries and run fast away (while still at times needing comfort and support) emerges during the toddler years for most people. I guess for me, the feeling just never left.
Whether it is within a new neighborhood, school, or country, the varying mentalities and ways of life continue to remind me how little I know within the bubble of my own experiences. I choose to push myself into these new and foreign places, while on the contrary, toddlers experience new things daily with little to no choice.
Between 1-4 years, a toddler experiences new environments and microcultures constantly. There are new sights, smells, and views. New stores, parks, people, and rules… Having to move between unfamiliar things regularly is exhausting! It is no wonder they have breakdowns and bursts of emotions so frequently.
Their tolerance may seem low, but it is truly incredible what they put up with considering how much they are learning and developing. It takes patience to navigate the sea of feelings that come with learning and adapting ourselves, and patience is a virtue that many kids (and adults) are still waiting to develop.
Without tools to manage stressful times, our bodies can enter a state of toxic stress. For this reason (and for the sanity of caregivers), it is important to move through changes with children on a very intentional level and provide them, alongside ourselves, with the tools necessary to regulate the nervous system and keep stress levels low.
[Side note: Social media often reminds me that the world is at various major turning points as well. I know I am not alone in these feelings of constant change and draining social stimuli. How treacherous and mind-boggling it can be to be aware!]
Regrettably, we cannot completely avoid the difficulties of transitions, but there are a few things we can do to assist ourselves and little ones in preparing mentally for change and facing difficult new situations. Whether we are preparing to go out to the store, or preparing to move overseas, altering vibes with tranquility takes practice.
Here are 5 things I recommend to do with children while moving through transitions:
Bring awareness to the transition before it happens and discuss feelings that may come with it:
Life happens fast and there is not always time to slow down and talk about every shift, but if one particular transition seems to be difficult, it may be worth reflecting on. When life allows it, discuss the upcoming moment with the child in detail before it happens.
For bigger transitions, discuss the upcoming change several times, as it may not “sink in” after just one chat.
Be honest about things you don’t know. Kids do not want us to know everything, they just want to know we will be there with them through it.
Smaller transitions: Grocery store example:
If a child does not want to go out, but you need to go, imagine each step of the process with the child- point out parts that could be fun, and could be challenging, and name the feelings that may appear in those moments. Doing this will help the child visualize the situation and be more mentally prepared.
This conversation could look something like…
“We will go in the car, then when we get to the store you can decide to walk or go in the cart, if you walk, you will have to stay close to me. We may see someone we know there. You can carry many things, but you will have to pick just one thing to take when we are in line to check out. It might be hard to decide, you might feel sad or frustrated, do you remember a time you felt really sad and frustrated? If those feelings come, maybe we can take a picture of the things you have to leave, so we can remember them for next time. After the store, we will come back home, and then we can keep playing. Do you have any questions for me?”
This conversation would go slowly as attention is exchanged and can look very different depending on each child and circumstance.
Encourage Comfort Objects:
Comfort objects such as the famous “blankie” or stuffed animal are shown to reduce anxiety levels in children during difficult times. Comfort objects give a sense of safety, stability, and comfort. They can be helpful while sleeping in a new place, experiencing a new environment (even the first days of school,) going in the car/ plane, or going to an appointment. A child is never too old to have a comfort object of their choosing- sometimes I even take something comforting with me to a new place when I am feeling nervous or tired as well.
Examples: a special “car buddy”/ comfort object that lives in the car.
A stuffed animal or little toy to keep in their lap at a new place.
A toy they can bring to a place (birthday party, physical therapy, etc.), then leave with you, then look forward to receiving it again when the event is finished and they are successfully on the way out.
Make it Visual:
As mentioned above, discussing the plan with children is valuable, and making it visual can assist them in actually understanding it.
Because of their amazing imaginations, little ones often have many ideas about what a day, place, or specific situation could look like. To paint a realistic picture of what will happen, (where it is you will be going, or what will be expected of them,) it can be helpful to give visuals such as photos on your phone, or simple drawings.
Example: I worked with a nanny family that was fabulous at drawing the plan. There were three kids, and they often all wanted to do different things. One solution was to find time to do all the (realistic) things that each of them requested and draw out how, and in what order we would do each of them, so we could continue to reference it later.
Example of a free afternoon plan:
1st: *picture of house* (playing inside)
2nd: *picture of sun and tree* (playing outside)
3rd: *animal* (going to the zoo)
4th: *house again* (returning home)
Of course, these could go in any order and often we would not even arrive at doing all of the things on the list… but in the moment of stress over what to do, it gave the kids peace of mind knowing that each of their ideas was valued, and they could know in what order to expect the sequence of events.
Routine:
Kids often benefit from knowing what will happen next, so incorporating normalcy within transitional states can help them cope with the energy shifts and unknown parts we cannot control.
Examples: bedtime routines; having a special handshake for dropping off and picking up from places; receiving an activity book in moments where they need to use patience and sit down for long times; getting a star each time they buckle themselves into the car & 10 stars = reward.
If moving homes, keeping old routines where possible, while slowly shifting into new routines little by little, and discussing the new routines along the way can be helpful for their mental process alongside yours.
Multiple “heads-ups” and finding something to look forward to:
Leaving a fun or comfortable place is often a challenging task even for adults. Looking forward to what is coming next often helps me to get through those moments. Reminding kids of something they will be able to do on the other side of the transition may (at times) be just what they need.
Giving them a heads-up multiple times before it is time to go to the next thing can also help with these types of transitions.
Offering to take a photo of the place, or of them in the place can also be a transitional activity to help them move on.
Change is the one thing we humans tend to agree on. It is constant, uncomfortable, and often makes us feel as if we are living many lives in one. I am not sure where or when I will find stability in my life, but I hope when I do, I continue seeing it through a toddler’s curious and dramatic eyes. Although it is difficult, change makes me feel, and feeling reminds me that I am truly alive.