A Safe Space to Cry

missing mom in the garden and being sad together

The world is not a safe place to cry. We don’t always know what we are feeling inside, we may realize that it is definitely not “ok.”

From the time we were children, elders tell us, it’s ok, you’re ok, when sometimes it wasn’t, we weren’t.

1: Crying in the Garden:

Squatting beside the patio, playing with our hands in the dirt, watching ants marching past. I looked up and saw the sad face of a 2-year-old boy. What’s wrong? I asked him. You look sad.

*no words*

Are you sad because you miss Mom?

*nods head; frown growing stronger; tears welling in eyes; heart, trying so hard to keep it in.*

I imagine his thoughts, don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.

It’s ok if you need to cry. I say.

and bahhHHHhhhh, the tears fell free.

I don’t remember saying anything else, just letting him hug me, patting his head, watching the ants crawl by, and returning to play. After no more than a minute of being encouraged to feel his feelings, we were able to calmly carry on.

It wasn’t always that easy. Months earlier, goodbyes with his mom had been 30 minutes of crying, yelling, songs, snacks. Now, just a minute of release in the garden was enough.

Sometimes we just need someone who makes us feel safe enough to let it out. To remind us it’s ok not to always hold it in.

2: Crying in the Closet:

We were playing basketball outside.

I can’t recall the exact trigger event, but this 7-year-old did something that scared me, and I snapped- I yelled.

I’d argue there are times when yelling and scaring a kid is necessary. Let’s say they run out into the street and a car is coming. Better the kid gets scared by an adult yelling at them and comes back, than getting hit by a car.

That day I was not protecting his safety nor mine. I had gotten scared, and I took that out on him. He froze, looked at me with wide-open eyes, then turned and ran to his room.

I knew he would be crying, or at the very least feeling confused and scared of me, so I collected myself, then followed him there.

We don’t often learn how to be sad together. We get used to going into our rooms, locking the door, and being sad separately.

Lucky for us, he hadn’t locked his door.

As I walked into his room, I heard him sniffling inside the closed closet, his safe space to cry.

I sat on the outside and let him know that I knew he was in there, then began to talk to him. I apologized for yelling and explained I didn’t mean to make him scared too. What he had done, I didn’t want him to do again, but I could have told him that in a kinder way.

I opened the closet door and asked for a hug- he wasn’t ready to give me one. He had to tell his side of the story first. Talking through tears, he explained how he didn’t mean to scare me, he didn’t mean to make me yell.

Halfway in and halfway out of the safe space to cry, we were sad together.

And we went back to playing.

[end of pt. 1]